someday

dear my future self..
how are u? today when I am writing this I am in my room crying. the moon is so beautiful tonight. i feel so small and ashamed. I really don't wish for a long life, I just hope by my time come I already fulfill my role as a daughter to make my mom proud and can pay back everything she has done for me. so please never stop on whatever you're doing right now.. I know things can get very hard at times, but remember that we've been going through a lots lots to even stop. you can cry and feel sad and broken but please don't ever give up.
its really hard right now. I feel bad for mom I feel bad that she has to going through so much and the fact that I can't help her because I am just as broken as she is..
mom I am sorry that I can't become the person you hopes for.. I am sorry for being so weak and useless.. I am really trying to actually become someone who can makes you happy but feeling happy about myself at the same time.
for my sisters and my only brother I am sorry that I can't be the best sister and always be a burden to all of you.. you guys don't understand how much all of you means to me.. I always hope that someday I can make all of you happy.

someone who is not me

Its one of those days growing up and confused between keep going on being who you are or following other people expect u to become. First of all I am not perfect Iam so far of what so called perfect our society think. Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I grow up in stable environment like every other teenager. What if I never went to dormitory school and live with my parents. Following the rules at home and never have a freedom to think just like I did growing up without my parents or family around.
 I literally been separating from my family since I was in 6 grade and I was just a kid who trying to survive with all the circumtances. I see things differently from people at home who expect me to be like they want. The perfect religious and successful lady. I never said Iam not religious I am a believer, I pray, I don't go to wrong path from religion regulation. But I am just not the same. I live far away from my family I met diverse people and circumtance that built me to be open minded.
there are so many things I want to do. but I stuck in situation where I want to be approved the way my family and friends want me to be. I want to do something or I like something that the people around me cannot accept. I am growing inside the bubble I could easily pop up but I am afraid to be alone. I cannot stand in my own feet because I have nothing. everything I own is not mine. my education, my body, my mind. its shaped and own by these people that been taking care of me physically. if I breakthrough and becoming who I really is I would be ungrateful human being. but if keep playing their games I could never find a peace. I will always be sad and have to live as someone I am not.
why do I have to be vulnerable and have a fragile heart? I could just take a step and have my own voice and tell them what I really feel and wanted. but its not just gonna hurt them but me. I don't want to hurt anybody but at the same time I still wanna be free. I just hope someday I find miracle and have privilege  to stand on my own feet. not somebody else daughter, somebody else sister, somebody else niece, somebody else's someone but becoming my own self.

Tugas esp

Hey yall!!
My name is Bunga Anggina Najah. There are 2 of my favorite thing in the world that I can't live without. The first thing is my mom. And the second thing is pizza. I ate pizza for the first time when I was 5 years old and I've been eating it for as long as I can remember. I know that pizza is unhealthy to consume regularly, that's why I only eat it on the weekend. I like all kind of pizza. I have tried pizza in many different places, but the best pizza I ever had was the pizza from papa john's, but it's only avalaible in the united states. My dream is to go to travel the world and taste all kind of pizzas from all over the places. I promise myself to eat healthy on the week days and eat junk food (especially pizza) on the weekend only.

#tugas esp

Mental illness awareness is IMPORTANT!!!!😤

I feel like I only writing when I feel emotional😅 I Am outrageous and I just can't not to talk about it anymore!!😢😢

I want to talk about something that many people (at least) in my country refuse to talk or discuss. It is Mental illness.
In some places they don't even believe in mental illness. For example where I lived on as a child.
It was one of the isolated place in deep forest of Sumatra island that I am not gonna mention. Most people there are actually very civilized they have a single prestigious international high school, besides of that that place is very traditional in every ways.

They are very religious people (I am not saying that I am not religious because I do very religious) but they believe that every bad behaviour that done by every person are because devil or demon possessed. So there are zero preventive actions or rehabilitation facility for these mentally sick person.
They only gives a speech in every occasions basically saying "kids don't be bad. Just follow your parents words or you're going to hell" and it's goes on passes from generation to generation.

When I was young I remember seeing this depressed widow that lived by herself and  her children who already grown adults just left their mother depressed and not looking for help. Until the lady was very sick and started to scream and acting crazy. No one aware that what she needs.
No rehab no any treatment, they see their mother as a shame to the family and was being possessed by evil spirit. 

And there also a neighbor that close to my grandma house that is very abusive and angry all the time but the same thing happened to her. She ended up chained to the wall by her family.
I see many of these everywhere that's how bad it was and it is still happening right now in where I come from. Even at school the problematic kids get suspend instead of getting a better counseling about their mental illness. So many refuses to talk about it because they don't want to be judged by others.

Talking about how lack the education about mental illness in my country. From range 1 to 10. I can say it's almost zero.
I am very close to one of that mental illness victim that is my own late- father. He passed away when I was very young age.
I am not saying he was a bad father. He was a wonderful man.
He loves his mother and family but I know that he was somewhere affected by what he witness when he was a child and no one told him that something was wrong with him.
He was very perfectionist almost OCD I would say he was stressed out and left my mother and us for months to get re married to another woman while he actually still married to my mom. So he has two wives.

My mom was just given birth to my baby sister when that happen. Back then I don't understand why he did that but my mom told me once that my father has some kind of mental illness that I am not gonna mention here for some reason.

My point is this thing keep happening until now day. I witness it everyday until now. I still go back once in a while but that place is still the same.
No one would ever do anything when they see a mentally sick person. Their family members, friends, neighbors, their community even their selves.

No one is aware with this issue. they're so isolated and the governments rarely care about place like that. I bet that's not the only place. This problem is everywhere in indonesia.

Mental illness is serious problem. I repeat it's important that the patients know that they are not just a shame to a family that meant to chained to the wall until the day they die. They deserve to get treatment and the people need to open their eyes and see that this is the real problem. We can't just witness this forever and do nothing about it.

I am no expert or anything but I think this is a real concern. We can't be silent about this forever. We need to build the Awareness about mental illness and teach the people, the children that mental health is important and they can talk about it and get treatment instead of hiding it and it blown up when they can't bear it anymore and ended up dying with it.