someday

dear my future self..
how are u? today when I am writing this I am in my room crying. the moon is so beautiful tonight. i feel so small and ashamed. I really don't wish for a long life, I just hope by my time come I already fulfill my role as a daughter to make my mom proud and can pay back everything she has done for me. so please never stop on whatever you're doing right now.. I know things can get very hard at times, but remember that we've been going through a lots lots to even stop. you can cry and feel sad and broken but please don't ever give up.
its really hard right now. I feel bad for mom I feel bad that she has to going through so much and the fact that I can't help her because I am just as broken as she is..
mom I am sorry that I can't become the person you hopes for.. I am sorry for being so weak and useless.. I am really trying to actually become someone who can makes you happy but feeling happy about myself at the same time.
for my sisters and my only brother I am sorry that I can't be the best sister and always be a burden to all of you.. you guys don't understand how much all of you means to me.. I always hope that someday I can make all of you happy.

someone who is not me

Its one of those days growing up and confused between keep going on being who you are or following other people expect u to become. First of all I am not perfect Iam so far of what so called perfect our society think. Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I grow up in stable environment like every other teenager. What if I never went to dormitory school and live with my parents. Following the rules at home and never have a freedom to think just like I did growing up without my parents or family around.
 I literally been separating from my family since I was in 6 grade and I was just a kid who trying to survive with all the circumtances. I see things differently from people at home who expect me to be like they want. The perfect religious and successful lady. I never said Iam not religious I am a believer, I pray, I don't go to wrong path from religion regulation. But I am just not the same. I live far away from my family I met diverse people and circumtance that built me to be open minded.
there are so many things I want to do. but I stuck in situation where I want to be approved the way my family and friends want me to be. I want to do something or I like something that the people around me cannot accept. I am growing inside the bubble I could easily pop up but I am afraid to be alone. I cannot stand in my own feet because I have nothing. everything I own is not mine. my education, my body, my mind. its shaped and own by these people that been taking care of me physically. if I breakthrough and becoming who I really is I would be ungrateful human being. but if keep playing their games I could never find a peace. I will always be sad and have to live as someone I am not.
why do I have to be vulnerable and have a fragile heart? I could just take a step and have my own voice and tell them what I really feel and wanted. but its not just gonna hurt them but me. I don't want to hurt anybody but at the same time I still wanna be free. I just hope someday I find miracle and have privilege  to stand on my own feet. not somebody else daughter, somebody else sister, somebody else niece, somebody else's someone but becoming my own self.